“Ada?” Sídhiel was puzzled. She had just explained Glorfindel’s departure as they had decided, but Erestor did not seem pleased. “I thought you would be happy.”
Erestor grimaced. He had a riot of emotions where Glorfindel was concerned and there was no easy way to answer. Dark brown eyes gazed into deep blue ones, as he tried to formulate a response.
Sídhiel’s impatience got the best of her and she huffed at him. “I was so angry with you for making him leave…” her eyes softened, “but you really didn’t want him to go, did you? What would make you happy, Ada?”
Shrugging his shoulders, Erestor replied with a soft smile. “You do, pen dithen nín.”
Sídhiel’s eyes crinkled with joy, a bright smile on her face. She clambered into bed next to Erestor and snuggled up to his side, her head on his chest. “I love you, too, Ada.”
Erestor wrapped his arm around Sídhiel, her presence soothing and restoring him.
Time passed swiftly for Sídhiel. She was adapting to an entirely new life and it was exhilarating and exciting; so many new experiences that she was always seen rushing from place to place, a blinding smile on her face. Ever resilient, the tension amongst the adults did not seem to mar her good mood. Sídhiel’s exuberance was necessary to counter the undercurrent of melancholy ever present in Erestor’s healing room.
As time moved by in a blur for Sídhiel, it crawled torturously slowly for Erestor. He was alone with his thoughts far too long and, though he was clever beyond most, he was as yet naïve with his own emotions. He often ended up in a spiral, circling ever downward, his heart and mind at great odds, locked in a swirling morass created by his own fears. And then the late afternoon would come, and with it, Sídhiel’s cheering presence. She chatted, she needed help with her school work, she told silly jokes. In short, she pulled him from his musing and made him focus on life and not on dark thoughts.
After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, Elrond released Erestor to his own rooms for the rest of his convalescence. On the morrow, he would very slowly and carefully walk with much aid from the Halls of Healing – if he could only survive the anticipation of finally being away from these same four walls in which he had slowly been going mad over the last three weeks.
Glorfindel sat by the stream, Asfaloth grazing nearby, as he stared into the sunset. He could have pushed himself and his mount and been home this very night. But there was no reason to do so, as there was nothing there for him, at least not yet. His thoughts drifted to Erestor and he was reminded how vastly different his situation was to Aurvellas’. His friend had taken the chance and trusted Thranduil. Now they both seemed truly happy.
Glorfindel sighed and closed his eyes, leaning back against the willow. Ecthelion’s dark hair, green eyes, and wickedly teasing smile swam before his closed eyes. He had truly believed Ecthelion was the only one for him and watching his love die had torn him apart. But now, realizing that there was another whose soul completed him, being unable to be with that one due to his own error was far worse. He was close, could even smell Erestor’s unique scent, but he’d never been further from the counselor. Would he ever gain Erestor’s trust again? Shoving down his turbulent emotions, he closed his eyes and leaned back against the tree.
Gildor was tired. He had not slept more than one night in a real bed since he had been in Idhreneth’s cottage recovering from his injuries. He was fed up with traveling and wanted to be home. That Elrond had personally requested him to be here, insuring that Elrohir returned, meant that he could not refuse. Judging by the younger twin’s reckless behavior while in battle, it was a good thing Gildor had come. But he was tired, sore, and heart sick. Erestor must recover, but the wanderer did not know how he fared. He needed to return to the Last Homely House, so he and Elrohir had ridden ahead of the returning patrol. But his fatigue had become so intense that they had to stop and rest. There was a nearby stream that provided a good campsite. He frowned when he saw the white horse and golden hair. Glorfindel was waiting for them.
Hurriedly he dropped down and strode up to the Elda. “Glorfindel? Is there anything wrong? Why did you come?”
Glorfindel slowly opened his eyes and gazed up at Gildor. “Sit, meldir. Do not be concerned, I am merely returning from escort duty.” At the wanderer’s confused expression, he patted the ground, and turned his head slightly. “You too, Elrohir. Turn the horses to graze with Asfaloth and I will tell you the news.”
Laer, Imladris, 2818 T.A.
Sídhiel watched with sad eyes as Erestor prepared for bed. He was quiet and lonely and she wanted to make him feel better. As he sat and began to take out his braids, she went to him and touched him lightly on the shoulder. “May I do that for you?” Erestor somberly stared into the mirror and met Sídhiel’s hopeful gaze. He nodded ever so slightly and she began to gently unwind the tight braids as she ran her hands through the wavy tresses. Once released from their restraints, the ebony locks curled loosely around his face. “Ada, you have such beautiful hair. Why do you keep it so tied down?”
Erestor sighed at the gentle massaging of his scalp which was easing his ever present tension. “Pen vuin, I wore my hair less restrained at one time, but now this style complements my role here in Imladris.”
She picked up the hairbrush and began to stroke the silky locks. His answer only confused her, so she asked again, “Ada, I don’t understand. Why does your job need you to look so cold? Lord Elrond doesn’t wear his hair this way, neither do Elladan and Elrohir.” She pursed her lips in concentration, “In fact, I can’t think of anyone who does beside you.”
Erestor frowned, wanting to stop this conversation. He did not want to squash the child’s open and curious nature but some things were just not up for discussion. “Sídhiel,” he began, “How and why I choose to do things is not for you to question. Do you understand?”
She flinched at his tone. “I’m sorry, Ada. I didn’t mean to pry. Please don’t be mad at me.” She pleaded and wrapped her arms around his neck.
Erestor closed his eyes and leaned back into the small body standing behind him. “I am not angry, my sweet, you must understand that I have lived alone for so long that I am unused to being questioned about my actions.” He turned and took the hairbrush from her. “Hannon le for caring for my hair. It has not received such devotion in far too long.” Grabbing his cane, he stood. His reflection caught his eye and he admired how the waves shown softly in the flickering light, having to admit that he had enjoyed the attention. It was soothing and had relaxed him such that sleep should not be as long in claiming him as usual.
A small hand reached for his, so they walked slowly hand-in-hand to Sídhiel’s bedroom. As he leaned down to tuck Sídhiel into her bed, there was a soft knock on the door. He straightened and walked to the outer chamber. When he opened the door, he failed to restrain a gasp at the vision before him. Glorfindel was standing in the hallway, wearing deep blue silk sleep pants, slung low on trim hips, his feet bare and his torso only marginally covered by a loosely tied pewter grey robe. His hair was unbound and his tousled golden locks haloed his strong patrician features.
Glorfindel stood in the hallway, a slightly lost smile on his face as he drank in the glorious sight before him. Erestor’s ebony locks were unbound with soft waves caressing his back as tendrils teased his high cheekbones. The ruby lips pursed in puzzlement while his ebony brows knitted in consternation.
Before Erestor could speak or shut the door, Sídhiel suddenly pushed past him and grabbed Glorfindel’s hand, pulling him into the antechamber. “Glorfindel! You came! Just like you promised!”
“Of course, pen dithen, I keep my promises. Now where am I telling you the tale?”
Erestor was stunned and unable to speak as Sídhiel practically dragged a bemused Elda into her bedroom. “Come on, Ada. I’m going to hear about Gondolin from someone who was there. Way better than the stuffy old books that Mistress Silamothien wants me to read.”
Erestor slowly followed the pair to Sídhiel’s bedroom and stood in the doorway, resting heavily on his cane. He watched warily as she jumped on the bed and motioned for the Elda to sit next to her. She patted the bed on the other side of her and looked to Erestor, “Please sit next to me.”
Erestor shook his head while trying to come up with a plausible sounding excuse. He finally said, “Nay, Sídi, I have heard these stories before. I will be in my room if you need me.”
Before he could turn away, she leapt after him. “Please? At least sit in the chair and listen. I like you close. Please?” She had grabbed his free arm and was tugging him toward the overstuffed leather chair and ottoman near the bookcases.
He looked down into pleading blue eyes and could not refuse. “Aye, I will stay, but do not be upset if I fall asleep. As I said, I have heard all these stories numerous times.” He tried to keep a light tone.
After clambering back into bed and snuggling next to Glorfindel, who put his arm around her shoulder, she suddenly jumped up and said, “Oops! Wait a moment... I forgot Nimmy. I’ll be right back.” With that, she raced out of the room, shutting the door and sliding the outer bolt into place.
As Sídhiel slammed the door and ran into the hallway, she looked around trying to decide where she could retreat to. She knew she would be in for it when her ada finally got out of her bedroom, so she hoped to delay being found until after he had cooled off a bit. After discarding any of her normal hiding places as too obvious, she realized that she was out of options. It was late though, and she was tired. The child had to find a place to stay. As she was musing, she found her feet had led her to Elladan’s door. Knocking, she hoped that her friend was in.
The door opened and Elladan stood there, looking down at his young friend. “Sídi, what are you doing here? Should you not already be asleep?”
“Can I come in?” She glanced nervously back toward her rooms.
“Yes, of course, pen dithen.” Elladan opened the door wider and motioned for her to come in. “But you must explain yourself.”
As the door closed behind her, she visibly relaxed. “Can I please stay here tonight?” Walking to the sofa, she curled up on one end.
“You want to stay here tonight? Why? What has happened?” His curiosity piqued, he settled onto the opposite end of the sofa, refilling his glass as he passed the wine bottle.
Shrugging, she tried to act casual as she began her tale. “Oh, I just think I will need a place to stay once Ada frees himself.”
“Frees himself? Quit speaking in riddles, pen dithen. What have you done?”
“I locked Ada and Glorfindel in my bedroom. Glorfindel had said that things would be better if only Ada would stay still long enough to listen to him. I know how Ada can be, so I got them both into my bedroom tonight. Once I got them there I locked the door. They’re stuck in there and I need someplace to stay for awhile.” She looked up at Elladan hopefully.
But instead, it was Elrohir that answered. “You never do things in half measures do you, pen dithen?” He laughed. “I cannot believe that you had the nerve to lock those two together. I should like to be eavesdropping right now. I am certain a lively discussion must be occurring in your bedroom at this very moment.”
Elladan was surprised by what the child had done, but he, too, found it mildly humorous, although he was concerned that forcing them together would make things worse. “Oh, Sídhiel, I do not think that was a good idea. We should go release them this instant.”
Elrohir voiced his disagreement. “I think not. They really do need to talk, ‘Dan. And, there will be nothing else for them to do if they are locked in a room overnight. We can rescue them first thing in the morning.”
As Elrohir was speaking, Sídhiel was nodding her head. “That’s right. Aye. Please, Elladan? Just for one night?” She turned her best pleading eyes up to the elf warrior.
Shaking his head, and thinking he would regret this decision, nonetheless he said, “Come along then. You can sleep here.” He tucked the child into his large bed and kissed her lightly. “Sweet dreams, Sídi.”
“Wait,” she tugged at his arm. “Will you stay with me until I’m asleep? Ada always does.” She asked around a large yawn.
“Of course I will.” He reclined next to the small figure and wrapped his arms around her. Her eyes were already closed as small arms tightly hugged her stuffed kitten and she snuggled into his warm embrace.
Elrohir smiled at the sweet scene and said, “I had no idea you were so good with little ones, Tôr. You will make a good ada one day.” He snorted. “I will await you in my bedchamber then.”
Erestor quickly leapt up, and groaned at the sudden weight on his still weak leg. Glorfindel flinched at Erestor’s pain. Picking up his cane, the dark elf hobbled to the door and grabbed the handle, trying to open it. The door would not budge. Letting out a long sigh, he rested his forehead against the wood, saying, “She locked us in.”
At hearing Glorfindel’s laughter, he turned on the Elda and spat, “You planned this! You… you put her up to this. Get us out of here. Now!”
“Oh no, meleth nín, I had nothing to do with this. It seems this little spider of yours has caught two unwitting flies in her web,” Glorfindel joked. “I can see that she definitely inherited your cunning mind.”
“Do not call me that,” Erestor hissed. “I am no longer your meleth, nor do I believe I ever was. And my cunning mind is not fool enough to believe that you had nothing to do with this plot. Sídhiel is but a child. What ever would make her decide to lock us in a room together without someone suggesting it to her?” Erestor was furious, and began to pace the small space, even though his leg and the cane made that difficult and painful.
Glorfindel could no longer resist the tempting vision before him. Erestor was always riveting to watch, but right now, in his fury, he was nigh irresistible. The Elda slipped from the bed and rose to intercept him just as he was turning in his circuit. As the two bodies collided, Fin reached out and steadied Erestor.
As he was grabbed, Erestor tried to pull away, but two strong arms encircled him and held fast. “Release me, Fin,” he said through clenched teeth.
“Nay, I will not let go until you agree to sit and listen to me. Your iell obviously desired for us to be stuck in here, and I would like to take advantage of the opportunity her scheme has provided. Now will you at least sit and listen?”
Glorfindel’s arms about Erestor confused him, and caused his body to respond to the blond. He could not allow that so he had to get the blond to keep his distance. Somberly, Erestor nodded his acquiescence. “And you will not try to escape?” Erestor shook his head, but would not meet Fin’s eyes.
As Glorfindel said, “Please, I need to hear the words,” he removed one arm from gripping the lithe figure and tilted Erestor’s chin upwards forcing their eyes to meet.
Erestor closed his eyes and barely caught himself before leaning into the warm body. As he realized his almost dangerous slip, he whirled and bent, leaning on his good leg, which forced Glorfindel to release his hold. “I agreed to listen, but did not agree to be groped. You stay on your side of the room,” he said, shakily, as he retreated to the chair, stretching his bad leg out on the ottoman with the other leg tucked under him.
Glorfindel retreated to the bed where he settled back against the headboard. “Erestor, you have been avoiding me since you left the House of Healing. We need to talk.” Sighing, he took a deep breath, “You request me not to call you meleth nín and you doubt if I ever meant those words. But I did, and I still do.”
Erestor sat silently, his eyes narrowed in disbelief. He had his arms wrapped tightly around both legs, which he had brought up to his chin, almost as a shield to separate him from Glorfindel. Even though his leg ached in this position, he needed the security and ignored the pain. “Continue. You give me no reason to believe you and even less reason to trust in you.”
“Aíya, Erestor. I love you. I believe I have from the moment I first laid eyes upon you.”
At this proclamation, Erestor rolled his eyes in disbelief. “I confess that my actions did not originally speak of love to you. I avoided you. You inspired in me feelings so strong that I was reminded of Ecthelion. I was determined not to let him go so I could not approach you, but have no doubt. I did desire you. I yet do. You are the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on. But I could not, nay, would not, act on those desires. I drowned those feelings in casual liaisons with anyone that was not you. It was a hollow life, but kept me busy so that I did not have to think… or feel.”
Glorfindel paused, calmly regarding Erestor. Once he had begun baring his soul, he could not stop. He had to make his love understand. “Even though I avoided you, you determined to befriend me. You sensed how lonely I was. Then the nightmares began… and you were there for me. You offered me friendship and support. I needed that. I needed you. I always deeply appreciated your caring and came to depend heavily upon your friendship. It was not all I desired from you, but it was enough, for a time.”
Erestor began to tremble as he listened. “How I wish that is where we had left things,” he whispered.
“Aye, but you needed support after Celebrían sailed. I do not regret loving you. I was happier than I had ever been. Do you understand, gûr nín? My only regret is hurting you. I wish I could say that it was unintended, but that would be untrue. I will not lie to you, never again.” As he was speaking, he crossed to kneel in front of the raven-haired elf. “Please forgive me,” he said as he bowed his head. “When you told me that you loved me, that I was the one for you, something snapped inside of me. My fëa screamed for you, but I could not betray Ecthelion. He was supposed to be the one. We had promised each other so many things… I knew that I could no more resist you than a moth the flame, so I had to insure you stayed away. I cast you aside. I told you that you meant nothing to me. It was all a lie, designed to make you leave and not return.”
Glorfindel looked up to see Erestor, eyes closed, face contorted in pain, obviously remembering that conversation. The Elda reached up to wipe at the tears that streaked down an alabaster cheek.
“Aí, do you have any idea what you did to me? You ask if I understand? Do you understand what I went through? What I felt?” Erestor’s words were quiet but strained. It was obvious he was barely holding himself in check.
“No, meleth, I do not understand. Make me see. I would do anything to earn your forgiveness and take away the pain I caused you. Please tell me.” The Elda rested his head on Erestor’s lap grateful that he had not been pushed away.
As his hands found their way into golden locks, Erestor began speaking, softly and slowly, obviously trying to keep from breaking down. “I fell hard for you. I think I must have always loved you, from the moment you rode into the valley on your large, white charger, your golden hair caught in Anor’s rays, forming a halo around you. Your demeanor made it clear that you did not desire me near, so I kept my distance, but I watched. Even though you were never alone, I sensed your isolation. Your sorrow called to me and I could no longer stay away. I had to reach out to you and ease your burden. Our burgeoning friendship meant everything to me.”
Glorfindel sighed as nervous hands wound in his hair.
“In Mithlond I was unable to resist you. I was so weak from supporting Celebrían, I needed your strength. Our first kiss on the beach was my undoing.” Erestor opened his eyes and looked down at the golden head in his lap.
Glorfindel felt eyes upon him; looking up, he met Erestor’s eyes which were filled with grief. His arms desperately craved to pull that warm, lithe body down to him and offer comfort. Knowing that he forfeited that right long ago, he held back.
Erestor watched his fingers idly twirl a golden lock. He sighed, closed his eyes, and began again. “I gave you everything. I could hold back nothing of myself from you. You took it all, even that which I had never given to another. I was so happy. Feelings coursed through me that I had never before experienced. That was a wondrous time.” Erestor nearly smiled as sweet remembrance wafted over him. “Imagine my pain when you said those words, when you told me that I meant nothing to you. You shattered me. As you had brought me to heights previously unknown, so you threw me into depths that I could never have imagined existed. I am not healed, Glorfindel. I am surviving, but only barely. And just as I have crawled from those depths you cast me into, you come to me and ask for my forgiveness? You dare to speak words of love to me? You think I could trust you again with the broken pieces of my heart when you are the reason it is not whole?”
Glorfindel gasped as the tidal wave of anguish poured over him. He could no longer restrain himself and he pulled the broken elf down into his arms.
Erestor tried to struggle but he was gripped too tightly. Salty tears mingled as Erestor was pulled against the broad chest.
“Erestor… seron vell… please. I know that I have wronged you, but you must believe me. I love you more than life itself. You are the other half of my being, my soul mate. Please stop fighting this.” With that, he tilted up Erestor’s chin, leaned down and brushed his lips lightly against soft, ruby ones.
The raven-haired elf sighed at the gentle caress and a warm peace settled over him. It did feel so right to be held by Glorfindel. The emotional catharsis, coupled with still healing injuries, conspired to cause him to easily doze off, held safely in Glorfindel’s arms. The Elda looked down at the burden in his arms, marveling at how light Erestor felt, even though it had been over two months since he was injured. Moving carefully so that he did not wake his precious cargo, he gently placed Erestor on the bed and cuddled up behind him, hope flaring in his chest that maybe there was a possibility for more than simple forgiveness.
TBC
Translations:
pen vuin – dear one
hannon le – I thank you
pen dithen – little one
‘Tôr – brother
meleth nín – my love
meleth – love
iell – daughter
fëa – soul
Anor – the sun
gûr nín – my heart
seron vell – beloved